Anxiety

June 19, 2020
Everything started when there was a situation that made me think I wasn’t good enough. Someone I had cared a lot about had told me things that really hurt me in a way that was hard to accept from them. My head was hanging low. I started thinking down on myself and comparing myself to other people. It wasn’t helping me at all and it was bad to do those things. But I didn’t stop, every time I looked at myself in the mirror I would stare at every detail that anyone has ever commented on. I would look at my teeth and say to myself “I have a horrible looking gap”. I would look at my eyebrows and say, “They are too close together.” I would look at my lips and say, “They are too small.” Thoughts like these would affect me and it would make the problem even bigger.
I continued thinking bad thoughts towards myself and that made me very insecure. Since I was so insecure about my appearance, I got nervous and a lot of anxiety when I went outside or to school because I didn’t want people looking at me and saying things like “She is so ugly, why is she so skinny?”
Then one day I was in my Humanities class in the second period and I started to think about the day before. “I just can’t shake the memory of yesterday out of my head.” I continued repeating thoughts that aren’t okay for someone to even think. “This isn’t okay.”
During my class period, I wasn’t paying attention to my work because of an event that occupied my mind. On top of me being distracted, I was feeling overwhelmed. “There’s too much going on in my head right now.” I was fanning myself trying not to turn into a tomato. I tried to do something else like when I shake my leg up and down, it helps me focus on something else. It didn’t help. I also wasn’t sure why somebody’s comments on me would affect me. It was probably because I started to have care for the person who would.
I was very emotional and wasn’t sure if I would see them again. It was hard for me to realize that another person was leaving my life like if they were never even a part of it. My head was spinning from all feelings and thoughts. I was fidgeting with my hair or shaking my leg. My heart was pounding when I remembered that I might see them again. I was feeling all these things but I didn’t show it, so I guess I was numb to the pain in the eyes of my friends and other people.
Then all of a sudden my leg started to shake up and down, then I was having trouble breathing. After that my friend had noticed and got up and took me to the hallway. She asked me “What’s going on, are you okay?”
I explained to her what I thought it was. “I’m having a panic attack,” I said.
She got me water and tried to calm me down. It seemed as if I was drowning. It seemed as if I was drowning because I couldn’t swim through the feelings.
My friend walked with me so I could take a deep breath of fresh air. That calmed me down a bit, but my leg and my hands were shaking, I was sweating and had clammy palms.
“I’m so hot,” I said.
I couldn’t stop my heavy breathing. I could imagine myself in the middle of the ocean, nowhere to swim to, and me just drowning there. It was a feeling where my body felt weak and that it was like I could barely move.
I talked about what had caused the panic attack and that helped me. A lesson I learned was that “I have to learn how to relax my thoughts when I’m having many feelings,” I said.
My guidance counselor asked me questions like: “How do you feel? Is this your first time?”.
“Yes it is,” I said.
“Something that helps is to drink water, try to take deep breaths, and to do them slowly. Do you have a journal where you can write what you feel?” she said.
“No I don’t but writing does help me,” I said.
She gave me a notebook and said I can write what I feel and when things happen that can affect me.
I thanked her for her help and was grateful for her thoughts on what I had told her. After that, I’ve been writing in my journal and it has helped me a lot since then.
Mr. Lev • Jun 19, 2020 at 8:43 pm
I recall experiencing similar feelings when I was in school – even all the way through college. The author did a terrific job of illustrating exactly what it feels like to be overcome by your anxiety. Thank you for sharing this deeply personal piece with us!