My Colors Aren’t Showing


Jaiydalyn N Santos, Literary Journalist

Author’s note: This is one of a collection of fictional LGBTQ stories, based on different females or people who identify as females with different experiences throughout the world. All stories are fictional, none of the stories are real. Some of the events are based on real life.


I’ve been judged all my life, for weird foods I eat, songs I like, and having no friends. I’m not the social type, it doesn’t bother me that I don’t have any friends.  I’m not able to make any. I feel numb, most of the time, in social places, parties, I tune everyone out. Until I saw you, long silky hair, curves that I’ll never have, brown beautiful eyes, lush french lips, whitest teeth, and you…  It was just beautiful.

Her name is Audrey Alexa, a Dominican, mediocre student, with a hint of fashion. Every – I mean EVERY – boy wanted her, but she was never taken. There were rumors she was gay, but she would say, “Not proven, till’ guilty,” with a winking smile. Damn, she was cute.

We learned about the LGBTQ community while learning the topic in respect for your program. Kids would make fun of the topic, say insulting words and make moaning sounds… ew! I’ve considered being pansexual, I really just wanted to find love no matter what gender. My family scolded my sister (brother) for being Transgender (relating to a person whose beliefs of personal identity and gender doesn’t match with their birth sex). So, my plan of telling them was postponed.

But if I would’ve dated Audrey, everybody would confuse my sexuality, that’s the part people like me are afraid of. A man dates a woman, all good, but he goes on a date with a man. Most would realized he’s Bisexual, but no. People would confuse his identity, point fingers, and make him feel as his label defines him until he actually believes it and gets the wrong idea. If I did that, every girl in the school would think I like them.

I was scared to talk to Audrey, as I walked up to her, the floor being sticky from soda and mystery drinks. A guy walked up to her, biting his lip & raising his eyebrow. I stopped in my tracks. As Audrey moved her body to the beat, her butt moving smoothly. He walked closer, he was THE Tanner Wyatt, my competition. Also, my 5th grade valentine who ditched me, so I already hated him. Tanner grabbed my love’s hip toward him, and turned her around, he danced with her, like a backward salsa. Audrey looked confused… she just looked uncomfortable. So was I, maybe the rumors were true, she was gay. I wouldn’t know.

After that I went home in the pouring rain. I kept thinking to myself, “Do I, Audrey, and everybody else in the LGBTQ community have a safe community to come out of the closet? Isn’t our right to come out and not be hurt, shame or damage because of it?”

I sat in my window seal, and I began to look at the stars. My sister would say, “Each one of those stars, have an opportunity to become a sun.” I miss her, I wish she didn’t die. I wish that people would accept people like her, treat her like any other human beings. The thought of people hurting someone (emotional & physical) because of the way they were or how they identify themselves is completely righteous! I have the right to be me!

I slept through the night, rehearsing my plan to do on Thursday. In the morning, instead of taking hours getting for complete strangers. I got ready for myself, even dancing in the mirror. I walked into school with my multi-ed colored shoes, they were “childish” but I like them because of the style. Not really caring about what people would think. Wearing my light green retainer, dyed my hair blue at the tips, purple contacts & my black pants. I walked down the hallway, when people looked at me with disgust and rolled their eyes. I smiled back showing my green retainer, that was the joy of it.

I walked to Audrey’s locker, according to my plan she was there, my plan was right. I asked on a hangout, Starbucks/food on me, date thing.

She said, “Now, I’m guilty.” She smiled and we exchanged numbers. We talked about how to express ourselves. We were the brave ones, unquestionably weird ones, or unique. These are the words they would use to describe us:

Don’t be afraid to be yourself, this is a free place.

Be the best you, no matter what people say.

They’re mad because you are brave to come out of your shell, and that we never had that confidence.

Express your looks, you don’t have to take out that hairstyle that you spent hours on because some gutless girl said it was, ugly!

Don’t listen, she is salty that you are beautiful.

Don’t break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend because your friend or family don’t approve of your part of the LGBTQ+. Or be afraid of becoming bullied.

Go all out on Pride month, or day. Rainbow hair or body paint, EVERYTHING!

You have the right to be yourself, and once your voice is out there or you express yourself.

It’s gonna be hard to be IGNORED.